(Not) For the faint hearted

Hi guys,

*Takes a long, deep breath and wonders a bit more about whether to write this today or not*

So, I have a strong urge to write what I am about to write today.  I have been thinking about it for a while, and feel the time is now right.  I am not ashamed of it, I feel there is not enough openess and honesty about certain issues raised, and I realise it may be uncomfortable and difficult for some people to read.  If that is you, please feel free to stop reading now.  For those who are still with me, thank you and may God bless you through this.  As the title suggests this blog is not for the faint hearted.  Yet on the other hand, it may be exactly for those who are faint (or broken) hearted.  I believe God has placed a massive calling on my life to 'bind up the broken hearted' and to 'set captives free' (Isaiah 61).  I therefore cannot keep quiet, and am willing to be open and honest in doing so.  If that openness and honesty is offensive, my humble apologies.  But if one more broken-heart can be bound up, or one more captive set free through what I write, then praise God.

So, in my journey right now, God has been talking to me a lot about my past, and reminding me of some of the issues from my past, mainly just to show me how far I have come and the freedom I have gained.  Praise God.  I really think that often, to be someone who 'sets captives free' and who 'binds up the broken-hearted' you have perhaps had to be a captive or a broken-hearted person once yourself.  I certainly am one of those people.  Let me tell you some more about this journey.

I struggle massively.  I struggle massively with relationships and men and with giving my heart away.  I struggle with awakening love before its proper time.  I struggle with myself.  My esteem is often lower than it should be. I struggle being single.  I struggle with the possibility that I may never marry or have children.  I am 30 in less than 2 years time.  I am scared.  I struggle. 

But I am also free.  I am free from being bound to these struggles.  I am so much further on in my journey than I once was.  It is often a case of two steps forward, three back, four more forward, one back, half a step to the left, and eventually some more steps forward.  BUT, I have a never-ending hope.  I have an eternal Saviour and friend in Jesus Christ.  My Lord is MIGHTY to save.  He has rescued me from some of the deepest pits of my life and saved me from darkness.  My God is a healer, a forgiver, a lover; gently compassionate, fearfully FOR me, passionately in love with me and FULL OF GRACE. 

I haven't always known this freedom and have often been caught up in a vicious cycle of sin, feeling bad about myself, struggles with men and so on.  At 16 years old I was abused by my first boyfriend, sexually.  It hurt.  My heart broke.  But the treatment I received from this man formed the basis of the rest of my relationships, and the way I viewed myself, so since then (until miraculous freedom came) I have used this experience as the bar against which I measure my relationships and view myself.  Since this man I have experienced similar abusive relationships.  I have given my heart away and had it trampled all over.  I have been locked in rooms and forced upon.  I remember a time where I used to cut my arms to pieces because I thought I needed to punish myself for what happened.  I used to cover my mirrors with towels so that I didn't have to look at myself.  I hid behind baggy clothes and black make-up.  I made myself sick and/or didn't eat.  I toyed around with men and enjoyed controlling them in order to regain some of the power that was taken from me.  I played games.  I based my esteem and worth on being desired by a man.  I have chased dead-end relationships and ended up bruised and broken simply because I didn't think I was worth better.  I have masked up the pain with alcohol.  My heart has been covered in layer, upon layer, upon layer of heartache, pain, fear, terror, guilt, depression, anxiety, and a constant settling for second best.

Why am I telling you all this on a blog?  Because I am not alone.  The more I write, the more I worship, the more I seek and pursue God, the more people He brings into my life who have experienced or who are going through similar.  The more I think about this, the more I realise that so many other people also have layers upon layers of baggage tied around their heart, weighing them down.  And the more frustrated I get at the fact that we just don't talk about these things enough. 

Well friends.  Today there is freedom.  Today there is hope.  Today right now where you are there is release from darkness, freedom from death and destruction, and a binding up of broken-hearts through the power of the dying work of Jesus Christ.  He died once and for all to take our punishment for us, to remove our guilt from us, to take our pain from us - so we don't have to hold onto it.  This is for you too.

You know, I have worked long and hard through prayer, counselling, talking to church elders, more prayer, more reading of the Scriptures, speaking positive verses over myself and hoping and believing in better in order to overcome these issues and remove (often painfully) the layers surrounding my heart.  I deserve to.  You deserve to.  I am not perfect.  I still struggle, but guys my heart is free - it is not just patched up, it is renewed, fresh, new!  I am no longer a slave to my past, but have hope in my future.  I am no longer living in the darkess where these things once haunted me, I am living in the light and know that I am a child of God - the most High, I am a daughter of the King - a Princess.  My God is for me!  I no longer need to live my life in chains because the gospel is not in chains!  It is freedom! 

And God has the same for you!  Just today I was talking to a friend struggling with relationship issues, and praise God that He has taken some of my experiences and used them for good in being able to help this dear daughter of the King and bind-up her broken heart.  God has the same for her too - complete freedom from the pain she is currently facing.  He has the same for you; He has the best for you.  You do not have to live in the shadow of what you secretly desire and want, God has it all on offer for you right now.  You do not have to live under the weight of your struggles and the baggage that surrounds your heart - you can have freedom in Christ, an eternal hope, joy, freedom, a never-ending comforter... in Jesus. 

All you have to do is ask. 

'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.'  Matthew 7v7

'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.'
Matthew 11v28

'If God is for us, who can be against us?'  Romans 8v31

I am not perfect yet, I don't have all of the answers yet, I have not made it yet, it is a process... but God makes things better!  He makes a difference.  He can reach down into the darkest pit, the loneliest chamber, the most secret place and bring light, hope, freedom....!  Give God a try today.  Definitely NOT for the faint hearted.

I'd like to end with this poem I wrote for my friend a few hours ago...

Don't let your fire burn out.
It might only be a small flame.
You might not even notice it at all.
But it's there.  It's constant.

Don't let your fire burn out.
There may be winds blowing it in all directions.
But your God knows and will not snuff out a smouldering wick.

Don't let your fire burn out.
I know it's hard, but I am here.
I will uplift you when you falter
And catch you when you fall.
Don't let your fire burn out.
Don't let your fire burn out.

xxx